Worthness

Hi Blog,

It's been very long time I never blog, dont know since when I start not to blog. After being with him, I started to blog less. May be because I am always busy with my own relationship with him. I should blog more, so that I will feel better. Today I choose to start my journey of blogging again.

I started to feel that I am not worth for him. He can said this to me, " I dont want you," without any hesitant to me. I started to doubt, whether his words is true. Just because of no waist of 24, he doesnt want me. I dont want my true love turn to the love which loves because of body, beauty... I started to feel that I hate myself more than I hate him, because I make myself love him more than loving myself.

After seeing his status changing from relationship to single, then not listed into single.My heart was like being poke my a very sharp knife, heart had broken into pieces, fear had occupied into my soul. I was really mean with it, doubted of what he wants, and why should I change myself because he say so. I almost couldnt breath anymore with the tiredness and burden of being his ideal girl, I am really tired, really torturing, and really could not even catch a breath anymore.

Today is Thanksgiving, supposing should be happy, but I couldnt smile, I couldnt focus my stuff, wondering why he cant even leave one simple message so that I would know whats up with him. I kept waiting, and waiting...waiting and waiting....end up i get a waiting without outcome. Finally he replied me, and say dun be mad at him. Just a simple word of comfort also he cant give me in one second time, I questioned myself, how important I am to him, or I had become the least important to him, or not at all...

Now I am still thinking, whether is worth to continue to be loyal to him, as I am already started to be doubtful with a lot things. I started to feel like I do not know this man, he wasn't like that before he left. Can our relationship sustain, our love goes to eternity, or may be only my love was there and he had no more love for me.

Just now on the way back home, I see the sky, there is only one star, it just like representing me being alone, and because the star is just alone, it is not worth to be seen, just like I feel myself being not worth to me at all. I am angry with myself, sad with it, and suffer with it. Hopefully what I wrote here will makes me feel better. I do not know whether I deserve to be with him, or he deserves to own me and have me with him. may be he really doesnt want me anymore, and I really mean with it. I feel like shutting myself down and do not want to be in the doubt anymore. i know this is kind of negative way of thinking, but I will try my best to recover. I really hope he wont add more salt on my wound, because I scared of the pain, the scar, he should know me well, the first thing I scared the most is loneliness, the second one should be painfulness. Do I worth to be with him?? I seriously do not know.......