Conflicts

Is already uncountable times we had surrounding to this matter - taking the event and being busy. It is being a frustrated issue which I wish to talk to him but end up with a conversation that did not put this argument a full stop. And end up what I felt is warnings and pressure to me which I need to get all the things right. I am trying my best to do it but I realize that I am no longer being myself and started to be dependent instead independent.

Once I ask myself, am I not doing good enough or I am really that bad person that did not play my role well. Once I also think before should I give up or continue on, but with my perseverance I don't wish or even think of going to the stage of giving up. But I am afraid of being hurt again an do not want to be hunted with this kind of fear for the rest of my life, hence I always hoping not to get any wounds back from love battle, not even want to declare a "war". There is so much conflicts in it, externally and internally, which many times make me frustrated and moody. What is the best solution of all?? This is what I always think in my mind.

The day my "grandpa" told me that I will be the VOC and hearing so many seniors are going to join this big event, I am glad that I was being called up to be part of their team and thankful that they give me the chance to learn many more things and allow me to possess my potential. The first thing in my mind when I know this was, I hope that he will support me truly and tell me " Yes, you can do it and don't disappoint people who look forward to see your ability and performance." Perhaps I am just living in my own imaginary space and forgotten the promise that I had made to him. I understand he just want me to stop from being busy and spend more time with him. However, I really think that this is a golden opportunity to learn from seniors and increase my chance of holding one scholarship. Is it really hard for me to have his support instead of his anger and temper?? I am doubtful to this.

Second thing that makes me doubtful is how well he knows me. He said I have changed to be not emphasizing a lot in relationship anymore and busy with other stuff. I guess people who really know me well won't have second thought and being doubtful that why am I always busy with stuff. Is that really impossible for me to be good in all aspect and must put on one sacrifice towards one thing in order to get another??Just like I have two hands and why can’t I hold two cups which full of water with both of my hand instead of one hand(don’t forget I have two hands). Am I really that incapable to go through this challenge just because I am in a relationship?? Is that really must be that way?? I cannot make comparison between event and relationship because to me, both have their own importance which cannot put in same level of position and decide whether which is more important. What I mean I do not want to repeat my mistake is not just putting relationship in priority and ignore friendships, studies and opportunities for self-enrichment, instead of being busy all the way. I just want my life to be great and at the same time could share with him,that is the happiness of life-can share your sorrow and joy with your loved ones.

I treasure the days that spent with him from the day we start to be together, go for outing together, make me happy whenever when I am sad, accompany me when I am alone, talking in Skype, accompany me when I have test, get a cute bear bear to accompany me(>.<) , go classical concert with me(though I know he doesn't like classical music a lot-can see it from his sleepy look when attending it), bring me to eat great food, take care of me whenever I am sick and worry of me all the time. He and I cherish a lot towards our relationship. My tears start to roll whenever I felt scared that one day all these things are going to get sour and end up being bitter. I just feel like I am waiting for the day to be dumped instead of saying a stop by myself. I really do not like this kind of feeling. I can't stop my emotional feeling whenever I think of that he will make on this move.

In Facebook, I said " I can just do my best but is impossible for me to be perfect". Many good friends had put on great comments and advice to me which kind of relieved some of my emotional and complicated feelings. It really touches my heart which makes my tear pouring out again and again. I don't want to be vulnerable again, so I am telingl myself, I want to be a better person and not to forget of being myself at the same time. I know, if I really lose my relationship, I will be hurt and sad again, however, same when the "if" situation goes to the event, I will definitely regret for giving up which is just once in my lifetime. Losing relationship can kill my heart, soul, can make me betray myself by hiding my true self and feelings, losing relationship will make me finish up another box of tissue...again....

People told me this before, if a person really loves me, he will love you in the bottom of his heart and would accept who you are, give full support to you in life, and would not make you cry. I don't hope for his perfectness, but at least would be able to fulfil my little hope towards him. I don't need him to be the most intelligent person in the world, or richest guy in the world, all I just need is his commitment towards this relationship-understanding and sincerity is the key of it. That would make my life happy with a simple love from him.

"Tiamo, this is what you had taught me, I hope I could always hold on to this with you everyday. "