Replaceable

Hi Bloggie,

Insomnia makes me moody, always thinking of the same fear that I had. I would like to stop all these sickness, tiredness and emotional mood.I would like to get away from problems, burden, pressure, and that fear. Now,I had realized clearly what is my fear that I always had since I came to Lincoln. It was not that I will not be able to be with him, or I could not have time to accompany him in skype. The most fearful thing is that wont be knowing on what day or which day, i will be replaced by someone in his heart.

Every time I think about this, I couldn't stop myself from weeping. I felt myself started to be a real crybaby. I really tired of those tears. I hope to not to think so much of this fear, and do what my friend said to me,"Just be positive, and make him feel positive about it." The way he treated me is already different than last time. He wont smile at me anymore and I started to feel the ignorance from him. Although he said," This is not ignorance. if I really ignore you, I wont be switching on my skype". Yea, he may be true, but it can implies that I need to wait till one day he don't on it anymore, means that's the end of two of us. I do not want to wait till this day. I tried to brought up my fear to him, but I do not know whether he understands it, or he is making it a very small matter which don't really need to care. But seriosuly, I don't want it to be like, if one day my performance to him is not good, he will disqualify me and get someone to replace me. All I can do is to wait the day comes.

I hope he will treat me sincerely, not treating this as a love game or a competition. I really couldnt feel secured from him anymore if he continues to do this way. It will make me more suspicious to him and doubtful, making me think even more perhaps in the negative aspect. I hope he don't make me to do this cruel move that I should give up and continue with my life, even he still loves me.

I had bad dreams about him,and sometimes I thought he was just beside me like last time. May be it was just my imagery, because I am missing him too much.I often wonder with all these questions: Did he miss me?? Will I be replaceable to him?? Will he be like me, always thinking too much and make things negative?? I wish that he will not think toooo much, because sometimes thinking things simple may be a good solution to solve things. I understand that people's word would affect his thoughts and making him think even more, because I sometimes felt the same way as him. Still, I hope he can think things simple, stop thinking too much, and is better to think of how we can make our relationship even stable and strong.

I hope we can stay strong together, and I will try to think in a positive way. This post will be a good reminder for me about the negative thoughts that I am having now, so that in future I will not be in this way again. I will continue on to believe that we can do it, and don't think of the word "replaceable" anymore, because I know him well that he will only have everything about me in his heart, so do I having all about him in my heart=)