Complicated Emotion

Its been very long time did not blogging. Every time I feel very sad and unhappy, the only thing I could think of is come here to express the feeling that I had. Friends ask me what happen and concern about me, but I just don't feel like saying it anymore because I know, once saying about it I will definitely cry. I just dont know why I cant say things that I wanna say to him and I will just standing in front of him and cry, cry, and cry. Even writing here , my tears will also start rolling down unconsciously. That feeling is so complicated and don't know how to describe, is painful, hurting, and despair, making me losing my own identity,my own direction and my own fate.

He said he deeply felt disappointed with me, for not being a good girlfriend that could always be with him. He said I cant be with him whenever he needs me, he say I am always busy with things, event event event!! He say he dont feel like knowing what I want, in other words, he doesnt want to care about me anymore(JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT- thats what he said)..............................................................................
I remember every words that he said to me and never forget about it at all. Every single words that he said is like poking my heart with needle, and later on using knife and at last sword that kills my heart.... I just feel myself being very useless, just know how to cry and being speechless there. I just feel like disappear from this real world, from the world that have him, and let me take a break from everything...I am TIRED~~ almost come to DESPAIR~~

All the words that he just throw on me making me feel disappointed deeply to him.He said I dun care about his feeling at all and just know the things that I want, not knowing what he wants. I just feel it this way, I already try my best to do what he wants, but what he wants always the wants that way high hard to achieve, even harder than striving straight As in exams. I never want him to be the ideal one that I want, but I always cant be the ideal one that he wants. I really fed up with the 'wants' ....really tired with the" wants"...I could feel that I am no longer like me anymore.. just because of the "wants"...

I am now no longer feeling like doing anything....dont feel like having friends to talk about it anymore... what I really want is to be alone. Just being alone...dont want to think of the pressure, the wants, the questions that people would ask...Please allowed me to disappear and hide a while...I really feel tired le....He is sick physically, I am worried...but I am sick in heart,who is gonna worried... who cares...thats what he think. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArghhhh!! TIRED OF CRYING!! Dont want to be this way anymore~!! but at the same time,I still dun want to give up with him. He said I am not there with him when I need him, but is he there for me when I feel alone, losing my direction, afraid and frightened, being pressured, and the moment where no one could give me a hand??? He broke the promise that he will be with me when I am sad, give me a shoulder when I feel like crying. I just broke one but he broke everything... I do always trust him..even if I said " hmmm....you must be thinking of other girls..", I still believe him that he is still always with me.. but all these not important anymore, because he wont know how I feel, NO~~!! should say he do not want to care how I feel anymore. He only think the bad about me, but never think about the good of me anymore....or may be to him, I am no longer good... I am just a useless jerk...even myself also think of my own that way... Confidence had gone very far away from me...

DESPAIR and TIRED~~~