Crying In Heart

Why can't I stop thinking about him... Why each and every piece of memories with him keep appearing in my mind, even when I sleep. The more I tell myself not to think about him, the more i want to think and see him. Why is this so torturing? Even how deep my love towards him and how much care I can give him, he may not come back to me.

Everytime when i wake up from my sleep, I feel like we had just end yesterday. I feel like orientation night just over not long ago. The sweet memories had became sour, and thinking of that I will start crying, asking why. That past few days many good friends of mine comfort me through phone, sms, msn and blog, I really touched by their words and their comfort. They are like telling me that I am not alone and I still have them. My tears can't stop crying out whenever I see what they wrote to me. Thank all of you that willing to be my listener, give me comfort and being caring to me. I seriously don't know what to say or do to show my gratitude and I am just feel thankful to have all of you. May be I couldnt promise so fast that I will be ok for these few weeks, but one thing I can promise is I will take care of myself and continue with my life. I won't be giving up in everthing because it will be silly to do that.

Haitz... I still have alot of doubts and I don't know whether I still have the courage to ask him face to face.Where is he now? What is he doing? Is he alright with his exams? Is he really fully recover from his fever? Does he feel cold for these few nights because is always rain outside and the weather is cold? How is he doing? This is what I kept on concerning about him. I try to make myself busy with other things but somehow I will still think about him. Whenever outside is raining heavily, I will be very moody, is like god is crying for me, pitying meand I also feel myself that same way(pitiful)...Everytime wake up from sleep, I will be very emotional and start to cry. I don't want to have this kind of life anymore and really don't know when can this kind of feelings end. I am really a big loser that lost many things, lost my trust, love, and also myself.....

I always ask.....Where he had gone to ? where is the "him" that I know? He had disappear izzit?? Why is he disappearing in a sudden? Where is the" him" that always get me Guai Wei Guo from Wong Kok?? Where is the"him" that always lend me a shoulder when I am sleepy and sad??Where is the"him" that will say "sayang" me when I am stressed up and moody?? Where is the "him" that always tease me and make fun of me?? Where is the"him" that says enjoy to dance waltz with me?? When is the"him" that will wake me up in the morning to make sure that I had woke up?? Where is the "him" that will buy me supper when I am hungry at night?? WHERE IS HE NOW?? I really miss him alot until I can't stop thinking about him. I was thinking, he make this decision may be because he has some difficulties which he couldnt tell me, or he really mean it and really wanna end it. I guess I am helping him to get excuses for himself. Why I have to think so much, no!! Is thinking too much for him as he may not know how am I right now, he may not even bother to know too...

I guess I am still waiting for him and putting hope on him, hope that we can still be together. I can't do anything accept waiting for him and his answer. I have no idea how are we going to be later in future and whether I still can have the courage to see him. I really scared that I will cry in front of him when seeing him, thats make me vulnerable like an ant which can be killed by human being in anytime. My heart now thirst for blood because it can't stop from bleeding. What else I can do besides waiting, hoping and crying in heart...??